Trying to Understand

2009 Christmas- Pregnancy Journal, Pat the Bunny book and baby Christmas socks

(Spring 2010)
Everyday life, trying to understand and all the questions made the next year really difficult. One of the hardest things to cope with was going to work every day while being around teenage mothers, pregnant teenagers who smoked and seeing some parents who didn't seem to care about their children. It was also hard to put on a smile knowing that most were receiving assistance while our taxes helped them and then we'd have to turn around and pay a ridiculous amount of money for us to have our own child. I guess you could say that I was too negative, at least that is what my boss had told me a couple months right before I quit. I remember coming home from work one day, walking up to the door, crying while on the phone with my mom- I wanted to know why this had happened to me. I didn't understand why because I had been the good kid in high school, I had always done what she said, I didn't sneak out, I didn't drink and drive or do drugs, I didn't let boys pressure me, and I didn't sleep around. I had done what I was supposed to so why was I not able to have kids. I just didn't understand things. It was very hard to go to work every day and see pregnant teenagers and pregnant teens smoking. Having children is so special why would someone want to chance harming their child by smoking or drinking while being pregnant or not taking care of their children. Day after day I put on a smile when parents would bring in their children while my heart was being ripped out. So yes my attitude was probably negative like my boss said. My attitude continued to change when someone who had supported me and given me advice about not being able to get pregnant over the last few months eventually told me that they kept another employees pregnancy a secret because she didn't want to upset me and that she told her to think about having an abortion because she was going to ruin her life (She was so wrong because that sweet boy is that greatest thing that ever happened to my friend!)-that broke my heart and caused my attitude to change. All I could think about is how she could tell someone that in the first place and how could she tell someone that knowing I just found out I couldn't get pregnant, it felt like a slap in the face. The words that came out of her mouth in the office that day is what changed our friendships and working environment and led me to quit the following year.

Daniel making me breakfast 10/08

My NOC graduation 2008

Over the next several months there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about our situation. I spent a lot of time crying and asking why. I wanted to know when we would know that it was the right time to start In Vetro Fertilization. Let’s face it- I'm female, I'm a planner and I wanted to know when and how this was going to work out. Everyone kept saying "you'll never be financially ready to have kids" "you should just start the process now" "when are you going to start". Ummm hello as I said in my last blog, my doctor said it would be about 21k, that didn't include doctor visits, medicine, ultra sounds, and a few other things before getting pregnant. Who the heck has twenty-one thousand dollars sitting around to have a baby? Seriously, that is what it's going to cost JUST TO GET PREGNANT and must be paid in full! After we get pregnant we would have doctor bills and hospital bills that could be paid out. I worried what if we had more than one baby with IVF because the odds are a lot higher, how would we be able to afford to move after we just spent twenty plus thousand dollars to have a baby and where would the twenty thousand dollars come from because we are not the best at saving money.

Daniel with Lilly

Me with both my lazy kids.

Andie's first visit to Petco in Stillwater right before we took our engagement photos.

The next half of the year we celebrated our one year anniversary, went camping with friends, I got to teach preschool, celebrated birthdays, Lauren was blessed with Madden, Daniel's best friend and his brother married their girlfriends, took our cousin's to a baseball game, found the best church, Nascar vacation and so much more- the whole time being surrounded by great kids. We loved every minute with them while we continued to struggle emotionally with not being able to have children, still not understanding why. I had people telling me scriptures and stories from the bible about women having children who thought they couldn't. I didn't grow up in a family that went to church; I just went occasionally with friends. I wanted to know more about these scriptures and stories so that maybe I could understand why us and have some hope. Daniel and I started trying out different churches. As soon as we walked in the doors at Agape and seen the welcoming smile on Mrs. H's face we knew this was the place for us and have been back ever since! The people in this church have been a second family to us. One of my parents from the center introduced me to a woman via facebook, who went through IVF with her husband and they were blessed with their little girl. We've been able to talk about IVF, adoption, and our feelings. Yes, it’s nice to have your friends and family to talk to when you’re going through something like this but they don't understand 100% if they've never gone through what you're going through. Having her to talk to has made this a little easier and helped me to know that I'm not crazy for all the questions and feelings I have....and I've got a great Scentsy lady! :-) and for the record if you're pregnant and afraid to tell me because you’re afraid you'll hurt my feelings, DON'T- because what hurts more is when you're supposed to be my friend and you don't tell me- I will be happy for you and can't wait to meet your little one because I know that GOD has something great for Daniel and I. It will work out for us when his time is right, not ours! (I actually just realized that, this past year 2011, from doing our bible studies and having the support of our family and church family. God has definitely helped me work on my attitude.)

The look on grandma's face was the best gift!

When I was in grade school we made the top
piece together. For Christmas, Daniel wanted
to have someone finish the quilt for us.
This is the first time she had seen it since grade
school and the first I'd seen it since it was
finished. We opened it together and she loved it!

As the 2010 holidays approached Daniel and I started talking more and more about having children. We were tired of seeing pregnant people everywhere we went. I don't know about the other mothers out there but when you're trying to get pregnant it seems like every female on the earth is pregnant but you. It's very emotional to deal with especially when you need help getting pregnant. We thought maybe everyone was right when they said "you'll never be financially ready to have children", maybe we should just go for it and start the process before I was finished with school. We spent many nights talking about pros and cons and me getting frustrated because Daniel would always say "I don't know" to every question I asked. By mid December we finally decided we wanted to go for it. We had no idea how it would work or how we would pay for it. All we did know is that we wanted to have a baby and would do whatever we needed to make this happen, even if we would be in debt at the end. I called Dr. K's office and made the first available appointment, Jan 4, 2011. Now we just had to get through the holidays...