Going forward with things...

Jan 4th, 2011 could not get here fast enough! We didn't tell anyone that we were going because we wanted more details and see how things turned out first. Dr. K was as nice as we remembered. We talked about how we were ready to start the process and Dr. K discussed what would happen next. He said that the next step was for me to have an HSG done, Daniel would need to be checked out, and we would attend an IVF class that would provide us with a breakdown of the money and how IVF works, I'd need to be checked out again, have more blood work done and then we would need to meet with his partner. He made us feel so comfortable and again reassured us that he could help make our dreams of becoming parents true. We ended up telling some family members about us going back to the doctor before we made it to our next appointment.

My grandma holding me

Before we could make it to the next appointment I got one of the worst phone calls of my life. It was Friday January 7th, 2011 on my lunch break, I had been at Wal-Mart shopping for last minute stocking gifts for Daniel because we were celebrating Christmas that weekend with his family when his brother in law finally got back to town from work. I got in my car and checked my phone, my mom had sent me a text that led me to call her asap...my mom's mother, my grandma had passed away in her dining room. My whole world stopped at that moment. The next several days I spent with family dealing with the shock. My mom is one of eight children and they all came together at my grandma's home. We spent the days and nights trying to figure out why she was gone, telling stories, looking at photos, sharing laughs and tears. Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I've had to do. She had been a major part of my life growing up. Every chance I got I was with her. I spent weekends, holidays and summers at my grandma's house. As I started high school and got a job my visits became less frequent, which makes it really hard now that she is gone. I will have some of the best memories of my life with her...we made doll clothes, a special quilt, did all kinds of crafts, loved going to car shows, planting flowers, fishing, camping, driving around after it had rained to see all the floods, getting stuck in water from a flood, looking for rocks, going for drives out in the country, grandma teaching me to drive (that’s where I get my lead foot), going in abandon houses, watching life time movies, golden girls, designing woman, talking about our dreams, taking naps on the hammock, sun bathing behind the garage, grandparents day at my work, my bachelorette party, my wedding, Alan Jackson Concert and surprising grandma with my finished quilt. It's hard to think that my child will never get to meet my grandma, one of the most important persons in my life. I always imagined when Daniel and I had kids that they would get to enjoy spending time with my grandma like I did. They will definitely know how great she was and how much I loved her.

She loved Daniel, she called him Sweething!

My NOC graduation

At my bridal shower

Grandma and I right before the wedding

On Jan 11th Daniel and I went to OKC to have my HSG done, have him tested and attend the IVF class. HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram- is an outpatient procedure, it involves placing an iodine-based dye through the cervix and taking x-rays that shows the doctor the shape of your uterus and if your fallopian tubes are blocked or open. I had no idea what to expect going in to have this procedure, the week before at the office all my doctor said was that he was prescribing me two sedatives to help relax me for the procedure and I was to take them one hour before. When we arrived Daniel went to do his testing done and I waited in the lobby of outpatient procedures while they figured out when to do my procedure because for some reason it didn't get put in the schedule. They rescheduled it for later in the afternoon- which stunk because I had already taken my sedatives but they said I should be fine. I waited for Daniel to let him know what had happened and we decided to go have lunch before. After lunch we waited for what seemed like forever....I was so sleepy. Once we were back in the room I felt a little more relaxed once I knew my doctor was the one who would be doing my HSG and that Daniel would get to hold my hand during it. Let me just say that once it started I screamed, cried and almost came up off that table. It was the most painful thing I had experienced. It hurt worse than the catheter I had when I had my appendix taken out. After it was over my doctor held my hand and said that was the worst thing he would ever do to me and he thought everything looked good. He said the next step would be to discuss Daniel's results when they came back, do blood work on me and another exam. Then we would be ready to meet with his partner and wouldn't meet with him again until we actually found a donor match and started the IVF process. Later that day we attended the IVF class. They gave us an IVF checklist with steps for the whole process, a breakdown of each process, financial obligations, explanation of costs, consent and release forms, and information about saving left over embryos, risk factors, a power point presentation and information on a program that offers financial packages.
The explanation of costs explained that we would pay in three separate checks (just an estimate):
1. $6,000 to the hospital that would go towards medications, Lab tests, embryo culture, lab fees, office procedures and O.R./Recovery room. (This would not cover our total bill from the hospital; we would be billed for the remaining amount)
2. Payment to our doctor
3. Anesthesiologist fees.  

Then each of those is broken down with a totally estimated cost of about 10k. The actual cost of the program may vary because every patient is different and unforeseen factors may increase the cost- additional medications, ultrasounds and estradiol blood draws could add to the unforeseen factors. With me being in menopause I was one of those unforeseen factors. I don't have eggs so we would go through another process of finding a donor and removing her eggs and then starting the actually IVF process. Not only would I need to have additional steps before starting the IVF process that would add to the cost, using a donor adds to the cost and makes the total go up more because they will pay for her medical costs and pay her as well. These are the extra factors that made my doctor say that the process would cost us more.

After sitting through the class we felt like the class did not give us information we needed/wanted. The class focused more on couples using their own eggs and sperm. We didn't get a checklist for couples using a donor, the process or an estimated breakdown of the cost for that. I did call the number they provided us with for the financial packages that are offered. They gave me information over the phone and sent us a package with more information. The lady on the phone said that they had different packages we could select from. The packages have an interest rate of anywhere from 5.9-17.9% rate, you could qualify for up to $40,000 and it would need to be paid for within 24-84 months depending on what you qualify for- she said they factor in credit score, 3 years of established credit, no bankruptcy and debt ratio. The money would be sent directly to your doctor. Things not offered in the package would be medication, donor conception, donor insurance and I can't remember if anything else was included because that was over a year ago that I talked with her. She did send me an email about 6 months ago, just checking up on us because she hadn't heard from me (that was very nice of her, made me feel like she cares about the patients she works with). She mentioned a refund package that is an extra $9k and said more information on this would be included in the packet she would be sending. She also mentioned that we would need to have a specific amount we wanted to try to qualify for. The refund package gave us some hope that if IVF didn't work we would get our money back and we could maybe try again or go a different route. The information in the packet they sent provided us with the different packages they offer, an informational packet and refund application. My understanding of the refund program is that if at the end of all services you don't have a baby you will be refunded your money except for the cost of the refund program. If you had any key factors they had listed you would not qualify for the refund package. We had concerns with what the packages didn't include, how we would pay for what it didn't include and not qualifying for the refund package.

These two have made it a little easier...

Our next visit to OKC we found out that Daniel's results were great, they did more blood work on me and we made our appointment to meet my doctor's partner.

His partner was very nice and answered many of the questions that we asked/remembered to ask. We did ask about a specific amount so we would know what to ask for when we applied for a financial package. He told us how we would meet with his assistant who would then start the process of finding us a donor and would be able to answer our questions about the breakdown of the cost. He said they don't just pick anyone to be a donor; they have to go through physical and psychological tests. He wanted to test my thyroid. He talked about me being in menopause and things that I would need to do to help my body. After we talked with him we walked across the hall to schedule our appointment with his assistant. His assistant was out of the office so they gave us her name and number and told us to call back the following week (Spring 2011). We've never made that phone call...

Trying to Understand

2009 Christmas- Pregnancy Journal, Pat the Bunny book and baby Christmas socks

(Spring 2010)
Everyday life, trying to understand and all the questions made the next year really difficult. One of the hardest things to cope with was going to work every day while being around teenage mothers, pregnant teenagers who smoked and seeing some parents who didn't seem to care about their children. It was also hard to put on a smile knowing that most were receiving assistance while our taxes helped them and then we'd have to turn around and pay a ridiculous amount of money for us to have our own child. I guess you could say that I was too negative, at least that is what my boss had told me a couple months right before I quit. I remember coming home from work one day, walking up to the door, crying while on the phone with my mom- I wanted to know why this had happened to me. I didn't understand why because I had been the good kid in high school, I had always done what she said, I didn't sneak out, I didn't drink and drive or do drugs, I didn't let boys pressure me, and I didn't sleep around. I had done what I was supposed to so why was I not able to have kids. I just didn't understand things. It was very hard to go to work every day and see pregnant teenagers and pregnant teens smoking. Having children is so special why would someone want to chance harming their child by smoking or drinking while being pregnant or not taking care of their children. Day after day I put on a smile when parents would bring in their children while my heart was being ripped out. So yes my attitude was probably negative like my boss said. My attitude continued to change when someone who had supported me and given me advice about not being able to get pregnant over the last few months eventually told me that they kept another employees pregnancy a secret because she didn't want to upset me and that she told her to think about having an abortion because she was going to ruin her life (She was so wrong because that sweet boy is that greatest thing that ever happened to my friend!)-that broke my heart and caused my attitude to change. All I could think about is how she could tell someone that in the first place and how could she tell someone that knowing I just found out I couldn't get pregnant, it felt like a slap in the face. The words that came out of her mouth in the office that day is what changed our friendships and working environment and led me to quit the following year.

Daniel making me breakfast 10/08

My NOC graduation 2008

Over the next several months there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about our situation. I spent a lot of time crying and asking why. I wanted to know when we would know that it was the right time to start In Vetro Fertilization. Let’s face it- I'm female, I'm a planner and I wanted to know when and how this was going to work out. Everyone kept saying "you'll never be financially ready to have kids" "you should just start the process now" "when are you going to start". Ummm hello as I said in my last blog, my doctor said it would be about 21k, that didn't include doctor visits, medicine, ultra sounds, and a few other things before getting pregnant. Who the heck has twenty-one thousand dollars sitting around to have a baby? Seriously, that is what it's going to cost JUST TO GET PREGNANT and must be paid in full! After we get pregnant we would have doctor bills and hospital bills that could be paid out. I worried what if we had more than one baby with IVF because the odds are a lot higher, how would we be able to afford to move after we just spent twenty plus thousand dollars to have a baby and where would the twenty thousand dollars come from because we are not the best at saving money.

Daniel with Lilly

Me with both my lazy kids.

Andie's first visit to Petco in Stillwater right before we took our engagement photos.

The next half of the year we celebrated our one year anniversary, went camping with friends, I got to teach preschool, celebrated birthdays, Lauren was blessed with Madden, Daniel's best friend and his brother married their girlfriends, took our cousin's to a baseball game, found the best church, Nascar vacation and so much more- the whole time being surrounded by great kids. We loved every minute with them while we continued to struggle emotionally with not being able to have children, still not understanding why. I had people telling me scriptures and stories from the bible about women having children who thought they couldn't. I didn't grow up in a family that went to church; I just went occasionally with friends. I wanted to know more about these scriptures and stories so that maybe I could understand why us and have some hope. Daniel and I started trying out different churches. As soon as we walked in the doors at Agape and seen the welcoming smile on Mrs. H's face we knew this was the place for us and have been back ever since! The people in this church have been a second family to us. One of my parents from the center introduced me to a woman via facebook, who went through IVF with her husband and they were blessed with their little girl. We've been able to talk about IVF, adoption, and our feelings. Yes, it’s nice to have your friends and family to talk to when you’re going through something like this but they don't understand 100% if they've never gone through what you're going through. Having her to talk to has made this a little easier and helped me to know that I'm not crazy for all the questions and feelings I have....and I've got a great Scentsy lady! :-) and for the record if you're pregnant and afraid to tell me because you’re afraid you'll hurt my feelings, DON'T- because what hurts more is when you're supposed to be my friend and you don't tell me- I will be happy for you and can't wait to meet your little one because I know that GOD has something great for Daniel and I. It will work out for us when his time is right, not ours! (I actually just realized that, this past year 2011, from doing our bible studies and having the support of our family and church family. God has definitely helped me work on my attitude.)

The look on grandma's face was the best gift!

When I was in grade school we made the top
piece together. For Christmas, Daniel wanted
to have someone finish the quilt for us.
This is the first time she had seen it since grade
school and the first I'd seen it since it was
finished. We opened it together and she loved it!

As the 2010 holidays approached Daniel and I started talking more and more about having children. We were tired of seeing pregnant people everywhere we went. I don't know about the other mothers out there but when you're trying to get pregnant it seems like every female on the earth is pregnant but you. It's very emotional to deal with especially when you need help getting pregnant. We thought maybe everyone was right when they said "you'll never be financially ready to have children", maybe we should just go for it and start the process before I was finished with school. We spent many nights talking about pros and cons and me getting frustrated because Daniel would always say "I don't know" to every question I asked. By mid December we finally decided we wanted to go for it. We had no idea how it would work or how we would pay for it. All we did know is that we wanted to have a baby and would do whatever we needed to make this happen, even if we would be in debt at the end. I called Dr. K's office and made the first available appointment, Jan 4, 2011. Now we just had to get through the holidays...